When Communications Falter, Regroup!

Certain people have preferred preferred ways of communicating.  Some like the telephone, some like e-mailing, and others like using messaging on their phone or computer.  Each method of communication has pros and cons, and the key to keep in mind is that when the one you're using most is not working, switch gears!  Here are some pointers.

Telephone
It is direct and immediate, and requires no writing skills.  Its also the easiest, most low-tech way of reaching someone.  Some problems with this method is that if you don't schedule the time, then you might not get the other person when they can talk.  Another problem is that it doesn't provide either person time to think, or consider how they want to say something.  In some cases, people talk out of emotion only, blocking the possibility of constructive dialogue.  In these cases, its time to switch gears.

Email

Americans love their email!  You can read messages people send you whenever you want, and send someone something whenever you want.  You can re-write, see a chain of messages in the dialogue, and save what you have received and sent!  You can also say the same exact thing to multiple people.  But oh, misunderstandings can proliferate.  The smallest gap in wording can create a large misunderstanding.  Sometimes emotions are read into the words that just aren't there.   When you need to clear the air, get off the keyboard.

Text Messaging and Instant Messaging

Immediate and easy, messaging provides a quick way to say a few words back and forth.  Those who are of few words love using messaging because its a medium made for saying only a few words!  However this method is not a good way of communicating for anything lengthy.  Anything detailed, elaborate, or complicated probably belongs back in an email.  Many people want their communications to be short & quick ... but not all can be like that, so not all are fit for messaging.

Other Factors

Don't forget too, that some people have preferred means of communicating.  A colleague might rarely check email but pick up the phone at the first ring.  A sibling might not answer the phone, but reply to an email.  A boyfriend might not return a call, but will reply to a text.  We have so many tools for communicating, that the most important thing to remember is that if one doesn't work, switch! 

I know one woman who relies on email so heavily that she seems to constantly cause misunderstandings.  Every time things get to that point, I call her, text message her, or send her an instant message!  But I immediately cut off the email chain because the communication gap is not helping.  I have preferred communication methods too, but if necessary, I switch to something else.

Don't Get Attached

Just remember, the world is your oyster.  Don't get stuck in one way of talking.  Use what works best!

Men, Wealth, Power, and Cheating

High-profile men cheat.  We can't get past it, and we don't like it.  But if the news has fun telling us anything, its that wealthy and powerful men cheat.  For every one of them that gets caught, someone wants to know what's wrong with them, and psychologists and social scientists enter the picture.  I'm here to tell you that what they say is that cheating is a socially shared responsibility, and human nature.

Why They Do It
The drive that makes these men wealthy and/or powerful, and successful, is connected to another, more primal drive.  According to people who study this type of person, he can't have one drive without another.  Then there's the extreme confidence he feels as a result of his power and/or wealth, and success.   The confidence probably permeates everything -- his ability to win women, and also cheating without getting caught.  The fact that he has a life-sized ego goes without saying, and its safe to assume he's pretty arrogant -- another reason he thinks he'll get away with it.
So, here he has the personality and the means to cheat ... but the phenomena doesn't end there.

Who He Cheats With
In our society, we like wealthy, powerful, and successful people.  We are hard-wired to believe that those people will take the best care of us, and we want to be around them.  Consequently, women are drawn to men who are wealthy and/or powerful, and successful.  The draw is irresistable for some.  If you combine all that with a professional athlete's physique, for some women, the attraction is very hard to deny.

Do the Math
So now we have men who are driven to cheat, and we have women who find them magnetically attractive.  The woman doesn't care if they're caught, and the man doesn't think they will get caught.  Put these folks in a room together, and moral inhibitions are thrown out the window.  Meanwhile, the rest of society frowns on it, feeling sorry for the wife and questioning the man's morality and character.  Yet as a society, we praise successful men and hope our sons choose a role model amongst them.  It is only when their drive steers them to cheating that we change our minds.  We are consistent about that. 

The Conundrum
So what are we to do?  Everyone looks at these cheating men as successful role models.  We feed their ego, we tell them they're fantastic, we trust some of them with power, and others with money.  Women can't help wanting to be around them, and these men think they are flawless.  We as a society help create the scenario for when these men cheat, and then when they do, we hate them for it.

I am not condoning their behavior, but rather raising the important point that they do not become cheaters in a vacuum.  Our society helps them get there.  Perhaps if society, and women in particular, can acknowledge this basic fact, then we can get somewhere.  Stop choosing high-profile role models for your sons!  Instead, select someone in the school, or a school sports coach, or an uncle or father.  Focus expressing praise on these men, and turn off the television when the high-profile man is celebrated.  The media could do human interest stories on these men ... are they fathers?  Are they uncles?  How much time do they spend with their family?  When society stops making these men all about their success only, then, and only then, are we communicating to them that their success isn't everything, and values are important too.

Let's stop and think America -- do we want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution?

When Service Leaves the Profession

This week I got mad because an attorney communicated poorly.  All he had to do was provide specific, clear instructions -- and he failed.  Sure, its easy for someone "smart" to overlook something "simple", but in this case it was his job to not overlook anything.  This frustration led to finding out that a large, pricey firm provided the same shoddy work to a regular client.  I have heard, time and again, about the angst that lawyers have put their clients through.

Then there are the many doctors I saw for one problem, and only two did their job.  It took something like three years of seeing different doctors and physical therapists to solve the problem.  I could also mention my cable company, which took a year to provide television service to my home that's worthy of an industrialized nation.  The list goes on.

In some areas and for some industries, the problem of worthy service is solved by an organization like Checkbook.org, or Angie's List -- resources for locals to find out other customers' reviews of services.  But what do we do about professions that are not covered?  And since when was it acceptable for some services out there to do so poorly that we even need to find a resource?  I know what you're thinking -- its always been that way.  That's where the warning about shady car mechanics and home contractors who don't finish their work comes from. 

But there was a time when doctors and lawyers were expected to take the time to provide good, professional service -- and what happened to that?  Are they really so busy that they can't painstakingly and carefully do their work? I think not, because I still have some doctors who will treat an ailment well -- whether its an aching limb or a migraine. 

So what about the rest of all these paid professionals?  Why are they short-changing service?  I believe that as a nation of people that ultimately serve each other; we need this clarified.  We also need to start serving each other and putting the sloppy or lazy professionals out of business.  Not only will we be happier as a nation, but the odds are, we'll also be more industrious.  Perhaps we'll do better in the world economy! 

So ... in the interest of a happy and industrious nation; I hereby challenge every reader of this blog to not only provide good service; but also to inspire one additional person to do the same! 

Furor over Flying

There has been a lot of fury over TSA's new security screening at the airport.  People insisting they want neither a pat-down nor a digial image of themselves naked.  Just a few days ago a young woman got excitable and in my face about the issue, because I was not incensed over the matter.  Apparently this young woman would rather risk a terrorist plane explosion than experience the pat-down or digital image of herself.  She asked me where I draw the line of comfort, and every time I tried to explain the facts and the situation, she reverted to the position that although flying is a privilege, this is a free country.  The conversation neatly ended when another person joined our party and interrupted the whole debate.
What seems to be missing amongst all the excitement is the realization that either of these intrusive procedures are only necessary if you set-off the detector's alarm, and fail to remove the offending device.  I don't know about everyone else, but that has only happened to me once.  I suspected that some decor on my shirt was too metallic for the device -- but I wasn't sure.  Most of the time, I know better than to wear anything that would escalate to either of the two new offensive security measures.
I have heard that the TSA officials are not really trained for what they're doing.  I'm willing to bet that in less frequently used airports especially, this is true.  But on the other hand, new measures are being implemented so often.  The TSA is also still playing catch-up to grasping anti-terrorist tactics.  Perhaps what Obama or Janet Napolitano need to realize is that a new TSA Administrator is required.  Perhaps an Irish or Israeli who has experience with preventing terrorist attacks -- and perhaps someone who knows how to train its people on doing it right.
There are some civil liberties I'm not willing to give up.  Free speech, free assembly, and other liberties that I exercise every day.  But flying is not a civil right, it is a privilege, and one that only exists for those who can afford it.  So I am not going to get huffy about intrusive measures until I actually experience one -- I'd rather know that the digital image or body pat are actually unavoidable and offensive.  But, I don't fly enough or wear enough metal (normally) be be concerned just yet.
I have heard people wondering what will happen "next" -- what else will TSA do?  They want to draw the line right where it is.  I remember when many of us were upset about other civil liberties during the Bush administration -- we asked "what next?"  At some point, the Administration does draw the line.  Obama has already asked the TSA whether they can scale back the new measures.  They already heard our message of outrage. 
My thought is that we are all exercising free will when we react to changes in security at the airport.  We all react differently, and our expression of that reaction is a right.  So to those who are upset about the new security measures -- go ahead and protest, write petitions to Obama and your Congress members -- I might sign your petition.  Your voice has power on the Hill.  All of this will work itself out.  Odds are, if enough people get uncomfortable and stop flying, the airlines will also get outraged.  When the pendulum swings too far one way, the American people send it swining back the other way.  That is our gift and our right!  My message to those who are unhappy with the security measures is to know where to express your outrage, and how.  Be smart and savvy -- be practical.  AND be respectful of your fellow Americans, diversity is one of our best assets. 

Freedom of Speech

Over time, it has occurred to me that people older than me feel compelled to silence my voice.  If I dislike something, am worried about something, or am discontent, and I am expressing that -- even just to get it out of my system -- the older person comes along with that they think is the solution, answer, or explanation.  It would be fine if their intention was really to find some resolution, but when I respond and they realize they haven't helped, their only response is to silence my voice.  It is at this time, more than any, that I get angry and wish to invoke my Constitutional right.

I remember a year or so ago, I went to a series of panel discussions in NYC.  One of them was about the city's future and its livability.  I was concerned because I see the same sprawl and long commutes developing for New Yorkers that people in the Washington DC area suffer.  People who work in Manhattan are getting pushed further & further out, into other boroughs or New Jersey.  When I raised this as an issue, a retired woman, who will never have another commute for a day in her life, asked me what's wrong with a longer commute.  In asking, she seemed to be suggesting that there's nothing wrong with it.  Meanwhile, though, she's not the one who has to suffer.  It is fine if, coming from her place in life, she doesn't care about commuting.  What bothered me was that she was attempting to silence me by stating that its not a problem.  Excuse me?  Why silence me?  The issue isn't going to go away because you are trying to silence me.  The more you try to silence me, the more I will speak.

With another individual, I was expressing frustration over the Washington DC metro system, including the bus lines.  Metro's fans persist in stating that because Washington DC is "bigger" or "smaller" than another metropolitan area, it has a more limited capacity.  Well I have seen cities that are both bigger and smaller -- and all the mass transit systems that those cities have.  ALL of them are better, with more frequent buses and trains.  When I expressed my frustration at someone else's defense of the metro system, the person I was talking to chose to take the other person's side.  He did this, although he doesn't use metro.  He dug his heels in and tried to explain away metro's inadequacy.  The more I stipulated that nothing could excuse it, the more he fought back, until his wife told me to be quiet.  This time, two people were trying to silence me over something they know nothing about and don't experience for themselves.  If you don't like what I have to say, just change the topic.  But don't actually tell me to stop speaking -- I have the Constitution on my side.  I am free to speak. 

In another case, I was expressing frustration with how someone treats his daughter.  The only things he seemed to say for a while were expressions of anger, dissatisfaction or disinterest.  I was concerned for the daughter, who felt the distance between herself and her father deeply.  I was sharing this concern with someone, who decided that if she explained away the father's behavior, I would be quiet.  Well, explaining the behavior to me doesn't really help the daughter much.  The explanation for the behavior didn't excuse it either.  When the explanation didn't satisfy me, the woman tried to silence me. 

Now I grant you, these were all examples of someone not wanting to hear something less than positive -- concern and frustration can be hard for people to hear.  But is silencing someone really the best way to handle it?  Don't all of us vent sometimes?  On the off chance that you think silencing anything less than rose-colored news is a good idea, I'll give you one more example.

There have been times when I was expressing excitement over new possibilities, both for places to live and for careers to explore.  Again, this was always with someone older.  And each time, my enthusiasm and excitement could not be tolerated.  There were attempts to silence me -- simply because for some reason, the listener couldn't hear that I might go through an exciting change.  I could hardly know, in the case of happy news, what would be so problematic for the other person.  Can't he or she just be happy for me?

I return to my freedom of speech, my right to speak.  We are all given the right to speak, no matter our age or who we speak to.  There are legal limitations (we can't incite violence) and social limitations (don't cause a scene), but when you get down to it, we can still say what we need to say.  And I see people choosing to be on the side of silencing others.  I don't like hearing Sarah Palin talk, and I hope to God that most Americans don't truly listen to her.  But if I met her on the street, I would not tell her to be quiet just because I don't like what she has to say.  Once you open that door, it really does start an avalanche of everyone trying to silence everyone else, until someone with real power is silencing us all.  And guess what?  That's what the Constitution protects us against.  That's why we can't start silencing others. 

I know that most people walk away when they don't like what they hear.  For those of you who don't, and choose to try to silence someone, think about what you're doing.  Think about what you're perpetuating.  Would you want to be heard?  Would you want to say what you need to say?  If so, then don't silence someone else.  What goes around, comes around.

Speak freely, speak often, and respect the voice of others.  It's the American way!

The Pursuit of Happiness

In the last few years, many of my peers have started reminiscing about their younger years.  At first it sounds like nostalgia for the culture or experience of those years, but I have started to realize that growing up has happened a little too fast for some of us.

One friend remembers years in which he had less conflict, less financial difficulty, and a life that made sense.  Indeed, through rose-colored backward glances, the life he left behind seems idyllically perfect -- begging the question why he did, in fact, leave.  Another friend looks back to when he was still in secondary school and the most he had to worry about was his grades.  Now, he has nothing but finance, work, and family somehow dogging his contentment.

I know that there are those of you out there who figure "that's life" and that those friends are supposed to somehow figure out their lives and move-on; accept the responsibility that age imposes on them.  But there's the rub.  Who says that any given age has certain predetermined responsibilities attached?  Where is it written in state laws or the Constitution that by a certain age, we all have a house with a white picket fence and 2.5 children -- and then we're happy?  I don't remember seeing that.  In fact, what I do remember seeing is that we all have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

The pursuit of happiness.  It sounds wonderful, doesn't it?  And it sounds a lot easier than it really is, doesn't it?  If you think not, let's reflect on my two friends who, in their own pursuit of happiness, got stuck looking back to times when their life was simple.  Or I'll be bold, and say that I myself am in a phase of reassessing what I have, and what makes me happy.  Because I tell you -- that which makes me happy isn't what I thought.  And now I must ask what does -- or what do I now think makes me happy?  In asking this, I already know that thankfully, it isn't my younger days.

I do, however, relate to and understand the struggle that my friends are going through.  We are all the same age, and in the same stages of our careers.  Some of us are single, some married without kids, and some married with kids.  Some of us have pets, and some don't.  Some of us have similar jobs, some don't.  Some of us are educated to the hilt, others aren't.  We are a diverse group in the same age range, struggling to make sense of our lives and wondering how we got so close to middle age without having figured things out.

Furthermore, we are confronted by those who are perfectly content with ordinary lives.  We are first asked why the same things don't make us happy, and then are judged for wanting something different. This only makes our struggle and search more difficult.  We can't help being different, and in this day and age, we should be able to expect the freedom to be who we are without someone deciding that we're not good enough.

For my two friends, and many others like them, the younger years are yearned for because they were more carefree times.  There were fewer responsibilties, and ones easier to meet.  Even though the married man fell in love and got married; he didn't fall in love with a bigger mortgage, or the cost of educating a child.  Although another friend accepts job responsibilites as he gets promoted; he never agreed to the unforseen consequence that his colleagues' jealousy would cause friction.  And so it goes on for all of us; until one day we look around and ask: what is this?  And without waiting for the answer, we reply: it's not what I want.  And for some, this leads to looking back.

For me, this leads to only looking forward.  I can only look forward to find what I want, it was never in the past.  I do, however, expect and ask that those around me consider our Constitution and my right to pursue happiness.  And if, in the end, I don't fall into a cateogry of what others thinks is an acceptable happy adulthood, then I will take the opportunity to ask why certain critera are acceptable, and other aren't.  No one except me gets to decide what makes me happy -- and furthermore, no one has the right to judge my criteria.  And if anyone disagrees with that last statement, another blog article is forthcoming!

In closing, I would like to invite everyone to consider the right to pursue happiness, and what it means for all of us.  Consider your community and how it would feel if everyone was happy; then consider the opposite.  Once you've decided which scenario would be favorable, consider your role -- are you happy?  Are you pursuing happiness?  And if you are happy, are you supportive of those in pursuit?  We are all a link the chain, and every link affects the links around them.  We can either work with the Constitutional right, or against it.  What's your choice?

Situation Awareness in the City

The term "situation awareness" began with the military, which makes sense.  The term means exactly how it sounds -- being aware of your situation.  Because in the military, your life depends on being aware. 
Situation awareness is also a term that should be used for the rest of us in our daily lives.  In a nation as crowded and busy as ours, when we are all somehow bumping into each other, situation awareness is not only a personal responsibility, it is common courtesy.
Take, for example, the every day scenrio of being at the supermarket.  Each and every one of us has, at some point in time, been both the person blocking the aisle, and the person trying to get by.  It depends on your state of mind at the time, doesn't it?  And yet each of us knows, when we're the person trying to get by, how irritating it is that someone else is blocking the aisle.  Now I know you're thinking that if you just say "excuse me", that person will move, right?  That's what most of us do.  But what about that person who is so zoned out that he or she doesn't hear you?  That person has blocked off situation awareness.  If only he or she hadn't, you could get by!
Okay, so maybe you do your shopping on a Sunday morning when the world is at church or in bed, and that doesn't happen.  Perhaps you drive to work or somewhere else during the day.  If ever a circumstance in life called for knowing what's around you, it is when you're driving!  And yet, have you seen the ladies applying lipstick and men shaving while they're driving?  These people are not aware of their situation, they are aware of their face in the mirror, and that's about it!  They are an accident waiting to happen.  Or how about the person who decides to change lanes without looking?  That is the most deliberate lack of situation awareness I have ever seen.
For good measure, I'll give you one more example.  Metro riders listening to their ipods.  I realize the ride is slow and long, and some people want a worthwhile past-time.  The problem is, they don't hear who is around them -- or anything else.  I know you think they can see, but what happens is that listening to ipod puts them in their own world, so that they don't actually see what they are looking at.  As a consequence, they are blocking doors, blocking escalators, and blocking turnstiles without even the smallest idea of the impact during rush hour.  They do this walking down the street too!
I'm not saying I'm always 100% alert -- that's hard for anyone to achieve without training.  But I do try to know who and what is around me most of the time, not only to be courteous, but also to protect myself.  And yet here I am, living in the nation's capitol, and I find that people here are tuned-out.  What's more disconcerting is that so many people here work for the Federal government -- and they are the same people who seem to shut-off their situation awareness.  If they make such a habit of it, then how can they possibly run a government well? 
I say we get the military in them to whip them into shape!  Situation awareness for everyone!  A la mode!